Forms of Negativity in Men
As of late I have been focused on pointing out the pitfalls of negative thinking, particularly how it holds you back from reaching your true potential. In conversation I've noticed this message has been misinterpreted as waging a full scale attack on negativity. When I speak about being positive, it is not to say that one should not be experiencing negative feelings, or eradicating negative thoughts. Negative feelings are a healthy, natural part of life. To feel angry, annoyed, frustrated, etc. are all ways in which our emotions signal us to pay attention to problems we need to address in our lives. Problems arise when this negative vibration becomes ingrained in habit and persists as a low grade humming in your daily life below your radar.
First it is important to identify non-constructive forms of negativity as they apply to men (some of these can be applied more generally):
1) Men who always list things that are wrong in their life- or, more importantly, always wishing things were different. This often translates into men that think they have to have an amazing story to impress a woman. Then, because nothing feels good enough in their life, they do nothing. Doing nothing is the quickest, most assured path to failure.
2) Men who have anxiety- Typically sit around, frozen, paralyzed by the thought or certainty that the worst is going to happen. These men end up not doing anything simply to avoid the pain and tension they believe is sure to happen. Again, this results in taking no action, and doing nothing leads to nothing.
3) Obsessing over the pain- Pain is a part of life. It’s what makes us human. It shapes us the same as love and laughter. You don’t have to forget what happened in the past, but you cannot let it destroy you. Conquer the pain; don’t let it conquer you. Again, this type of negativity can lead to inaction.
4) Cutting others down. This can be seen most often in men who chronically act like jerks. These men typically have been hurt or abused, they keep others at a distance, hurting others is pre-emptive strike to their own fear of being rejected (read Supporting Gaby). Some women get into relationships with such men thinking they can save them. Any women reading this, YOU CANNOT SAVE THEM! A lot of self work, and self-saving, is involved in healing from past hurt or abuse.
5) Men who have Depression or low self-esteem- such men tend to live in deprivation. They don't ask for what you want. They believe they are defective. This belief turns into a reason you deprive themselves. How can you give yourself permission if you feel unworthy? Depression can often manifest in being more passive, or the "nice guy." The "nice guy" tends to try not to rock the boat, refrains from speaking his mind. If this sounds familiar, by continuing not giving yourself what you want you are embracing rejection, probably because somewhere in your mind rejection feels like what you are supposed to get. When a man does not feel worthy he usually feels he has to do something extra, form of manipulation, lying about who they are, hid in parts of themselves, keeping secrets, feeling the need to buy a woman a drink or expensive gifts to earn their validation or attention. Men with this form of negativity may substitute sex with pronography and masturbation, feeling they are not worthy to have sex with women they are attracted to.
One key to remember is that it is not possible to completely eradicate negativity. The best possible way to handle any chronic negativity is to transform it into constructive action in your life. A more realistic goal may be to develop a way to channel this negative thinking. I will touch more on what can be done to channel this negativity into more constructive action.
RSD Mastermind #46; November 2011