Are You Sick of Being the Nice Guy that Doesn't Get the Girl?



Most men believe they are absolutely positively good at two things. Most men think they can win a fight (especially when we are angry), and most men think they are good with women. The pain the first belief can cause is obvious. The second belief is not as readily apparent to us, and a lot of excuses can be made for why an interaction or relationship with a woman didn't turn out well. When we don't accept that we may be part of the problem it can cause significant emotional pain that further alienates our ability to establish attraction and carry that into a relationship. When you can come into acceptance with the fact that you might not be good with women it makes the path forward very clear and then you can begin to make the changes that are going to open up new, positive experiences with women. 

I want to highlight this point because the belief men have that they are good with women is instrumental in a lot of anger they experience, anger men feel towards women. Underneath the anger is a sense of shame, probably the most difficult emotion for a man to tolerate. When a man believes he is good with women, but is engaging in behavior that is alienating the woman and killing attraction, he does not see that this is happening. The man in this situation will think everything he is doing is fine, and then he will transfer the shame he feels into frustration and anger at being rejected onto the woman, blaming her or the whole of women for not being the way he thinks they should be.

This anger is more apparent with men who are more Type A, but not as noticeable with men who we might more casually refer to as Nice Guys. For the Nice Guy this typically boils down to boundaries. Nice Guys tend not to set solid boundaries for themselves. Nice Guys often do not set boundaries because they are other focused, meaning they focus on the well-being of others. This is a great personality quality, but can be negative when you think about others, before yourself, to your detriment.

When it comes to relationships it is very important that the other person you want to date or be in a relationship with knows who you are. Women do not just go out with whoever asks them on a date. They make the decision to go or not go based on who you are and whether they think you might be a good match for them. If they have no idea who you are they are going to say No. A man who says Yes to everything seems WAY too good to be true. Women see through this. They will either interpret that you are only telling them what they want to hear to get in their pants or they will be confused as to whether they believe you or not. And a confused mind says No. A man who sets boundaries for himself, asserts what he wants and does not want, and says No when he means No, provides clarity.

Clarity is important in establishing your identity to the other person and creating real attraction. Women want to make an informed choice when it comes to dating. Remember, a confused mind says NO! If it is not clear who you are and what you want she will say No. It is a breath of fresh air for women when a man is upfront about who he is and what he wants. This is what makes up the proverbial confident man women are attracted to.

Setting boundaries, saying No when you mean No, asserting your needs and what you want and don't want are part of your Masculine Expression. Don't worry, this does not mean that you have to transform into a macho man (What is Masculine Expression?). Masculine Expression is something that is already a part of you, integrated into the way you carry yourself in your life in other areas, but likely have not brought this aspect of yourself into your romantic relationships. A woman wants to feel your masculine energy. In fact research into equal marriages showed that in couples where men who do "feminine chores" there is less sex in the relationship. It is not about doing chores. Keep being the good guy that you are and help out around the house and do your part of the chores. If you're not in relationship, keep being respectful, but as an ex of mine once told me "You have to find your 'edge'." The attraction referenced in the article is about the feeling and perception of masculinity- finding your 'edge'. Do something that engages your masculine energy. Like I've said in other posts, surfing was what helped me on my path to reconnecting with my Masculine Expression. Your Masculine Expression may come in a different form. The bottom line is that it is about balance, being tough and enduring hardship as well as expressing our emotions and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable. This is especially important for men as men tend not to allow for this balance. Being the total macho man is not balance, and neither is being only the sensitive guy in touch with all of his feelings. Integrating both is the secret.

If you're a nice guy who is tired of being left in the dust, not getting the girl, or feel like you keep getting the short end of the stick in relationships, I am running an in-person and online group called Self Respect for Nice Guys. I'm here to coach you how to use your authentic personality to your advantage to get you where you want to be in life, and the type of attraction you want and find a happy, healthy relationship or turn the tide in one that is not making you happy. No more getting walked all over by women, no more seeing only other guys get the girl. It's your turn now... It's time to make it happen! This is for motivated men who are willing to take the next step, but need some direction. If you want to sign up for this group, do so here: This is more than the regular email list. This group is for men who are ready to be active in the next step in their personal transformation. 

Make sure to reserve your spot in the group! Availability is limited...

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Does a Equal Marriage Mean Less Sex?