Bust Out of Victimization and Find the Relationship You Want
For the past 20 years I have been helping men discover their strength, both through sharing my own personal exploration as well as professionally. This can look different for different men. For all men this happens through opening up to vulnerability. For nice guys connecting to their personal power means letting go of their people pleasing ways and being assertive.
At first this might not make sense, but for the nice guy stepping into assertiveness is accepting vulnerability. Being assertive means not being diplomatic, but speaking honestly about one’s thoughts and feelings. If you’re a nice guy you will immediately know what I’m talking about. Assertiveness means being yourself. Honesty invites the possibility of dissent. Honesty opens up the possibility of being rejected. There is risk in this because it involves the possibility of being rejected for who you really are and what you really think. That is true vulnerability.
Because the idea of rejection causes anxiety for nice guys it leads to a tendency toward avoidance. If you’re a nice guy not being honest about your needs or desires helps avoid the possibility of rejection. This includes anxiety, embarrassment, and the blow to your self-esteem that comes along with rejection. Some nice guys create the idea that the woman they are interested in doesn't like them before they've even brought up their feelings for her to avoid these feelings. I've literally seen men walk away from women they've had strong feelings for because of this story they've created in their mind, and have left a very disappointed woman thinking she's been rejected by the man who actually secretly loves her. Think of the life cost if you put all of your wants and needs on hold to avoid anxiety and hurt feelings!
This avoidant tendency can also include avoidance of conflict. For nice guys conflict is interpreted as having to be mean, which goes against the identity of the nice guy. A while ago I wrote “If you remain stuck in the belief that hard experiences should not be happening, or that challenges are a bad thing, you run the risk of ingraining negativistic thinking patterns that increase the likelihood that you’ll experience anxiety or depression.” (read more). Avoiding conflict leads to accepting situations that you don’t want to accept, which leads to feelings of being victimized (read more).
Being able to handle conflict is a large part of coming into your personal power. Being in conflict means accepting that another person has a different perspective than you. More importantly, that also means that you are owning that YOU have a different perspective than said person. Acknowledging difference is the opposite of people pleasing. People pleasing is part and parcel of being fully in your nice guy. This involves agreeing with someone (when you don’t), telling them what they want to hear to avoid conflict, or keeping your needs and desires secret from your partner. This may function to avoid tension temporarily, or avoid some bad feelings. But it is not going to get you what you want in life. Avoidance is not going to get you into the great relationship you desire. And it certainly will not maintain the balance a healthy relationship needs to survive the long run.
Download the complimentary guide Online Dating Don’ts: Little Mistakes That Keep Men Single… And How to Avoid Them now!
If you’re ready to take the next step in finding the right partner for you, my 10 week mini-course Dating Advice for the Non Pick Up Artist is available now.
If you’re a Nice Guy who is tired of not getting the girl, or feel like you keep getting the short end of the stick in relationships, I will be running an in-person and online group called Self Respect for Nice Guys. I’m here to coach you how to use your authentic personality to your advantage to get the type of attraction you want and find a happy, healthy relationship or turn the tide in one that is not making you happy. No more getting walked all over by women, no more seeing only other guys get the girl. It’s your turn now… It’s time to for you to be happy in your relationships too! This is for motivated men who are willing to take the next step, but need some direction. If you want to sign up for this group, do so here: www.selfrespectforniceguys.com. This is more than the regular email list. This group is for men who are ready to be active in the next step in their personal transformation.
Make sure to reserve your spot in the group! Availability is limited… www.selfrespectforniceguys.com
For more on Relationship Advice for Men visit www.danbolton.com
Pain into Personal Growth - http://danbolton.com/GrowingPains
The Key to Getting Over Wanting Her to Rescue You and Trying to Rescue Her to Find a Great Relationship - http://danbolton.com/RescueFantasy