Addressing a Man's Wish-List



A common wish of men that I come across in therapy, as well as from readers, is for the women they are interested in to give them signs they are interested back. First off, if you have not made your intentions clear (Be Clear With Your Intentions) how is she to have any idea that she "should" reciprocate interest you have not even shown, much less have any clue that you are interested in the first place? I suppose there is also a secondary condition to this wish. The clause would be that women be the initiators of reversing long standing traditional gender roles and let men know they are interested. Although I see great virtue in rising above traditional gender roles, and that this would help men with their anxiety about being rejected, this latter condition is not necessarily all that realistic either. Tragically ridiculous social judgements still exist against women who are more open sexually, and though I feel this social stigma needs to end, it is still around and exerts pressure on women to conform to social conditioning against being the initiators.  

The attraction gradient for women is much different to that of men as well, and much more complicated. Men tend to be more visual creatures and err more toward the physical component of attraction, and can feel inspired enough to get to know a woman based on physical appearance alone. While physical appearance can trigger some attraction in a woman, it is not enough alone to motivate them to pursue an interaction with a guy. Women become compelled by aspects of a man's personality, and without exposure to the personality traits first, it is usually a no go. Of course as intimacy builds men become attracted by a woman's personality as well, but the difference is that physical traits can be a stand-alone trigger for men, whereas it is not quite as strong a trigger for women.

Men have to be able to demonstrate their personality. Let me be clear about what I am NOT saying. Men will say "I don't want to play games." I agree, and games are not what I am advocating here. I am not telling men that they have to have a certain type of personality to be attractive. All I am saying is that you have to be comfortable in your own unique personality, and be able to convey it to others. Sure, this may take some social skills, but it does not mean changing your personality by any means. In fact it may not even take social skills, but increased comfort and confidence with being fully and honestly who you are. This is self-acceptance (Self-Acceptance Leads to Attraction).

So, it may be possible for the wish some men have above to be realized. All it may take is certain social skills, or possibly only increased confidence in who you are, to start a simple conversation with a woman who piques your interest. If you can convey your personality to her she can then make a fully informed decision about whether you are the type of man she could be interested in or not. Once she gets a taste of your personality she in fact may make her interest known and pursue you. 

Be Clear With Your Intentions

Self-Acceptance Leads to Attraction

Photo Courtesy of Lynda Sanchez (