Most men believe they are absolutely positively good at two things. Most men think they can win a fight (especially when we are angry), and most men think they are good with women. The pain the first belief can cause is obvious. The second belief is not as readily apparent to us, and a lot of excuses can be made for why an interaction or relationship with a woman didn't turn out well. When we don't accept that we may be part of the problem it can cause significant emotional pain that further alienates our ability to establish attraction and carry that into a relationship. When you can come into acceptance with the fact that you might not be good with women it makes the path forward very clear and then you can begin to make the changes that are going to open up new, positive experiences with women.
When it comes to women, single men are very preoccupied with not being put in the friend zone. I often get the question "Do you think that means I've been put in the friend zone?" or the exasperated statement "I think she has me in the friend zone." The implication is that this is a completely passive experience and that even if the man is in the friend zone that he has to stay there and tolerate it.
Two areas where men can get stuck in over-attachment that leads to trouble getting into a relationship: one-itis and getting over an ex.
As I've stated before a large part of our energy goes into seeking pleasure and avoiding pain (click here). There is a certain utility in this, but the problem that arises from this is that we can start to invest so much in avoiding painful experiences that we close ourselves off to an important motivator to make the changes we need to make in our lives. I'm going to propose a new perspective of break ups and point out two distinct benefits of what we otherwise tend to see as a solely negative experience.
Next Tele-Seminar Today, Monday 12/30 at 12pm
Just a quick reminder about tomorrow's Tele-Seminar on Handling Imbalance in Your Relationship: Monday 12/30 at 12pm ET. I am very excited to announce that Steve Schloss will be my official guest. His book, The Man's Secret to a Happy and Sexy Marriage delves deeply into this topic, and has a lot of practical advice about what men can do when their relationship has become unhappy to help turn the tide. We will go over signs to look for that indicate when men may be unhappy in their relationship, the impact this has on men, and what you can do if this is happening to you.
Some of the feedback I received from my posts on the use of the word "Creep" last month gave me pause, pause to explore both the male and female perspective on this word. I had an interesting discussion with a female colleague of mine who specializes in gender issues. She gave me more insight into the context and function of the word "Creep" for women, and it did start to make more sense to me. This did not settle my concern around some responses from mental health professionals as well as other comments in past discussions. Some comments were overtly diagnostic based from this concept of a creepy feeling from a man.
Recently I had a very inspiring Twitter chat with Rick Belden, a true thought leader in the field of masculine psychology and men’s issues. I have the utmost respect for his work, and his blog is a source of energy and inspiration for me when I am feeling beleaguered by the ups and downs of trying to promote the message about the importance of men’s issues and influence the evolution of our concept of what it means to be a man.