When nice guys maintain their typical nice guy pattern in a relationship they have often been putting their own needs second or may not have been expressing their needs at all. This often builds to resentment in the nice guy, especially when he has been silently expecting reciprocity from his partner or starts to perceive a lack of reciprocation. Resent accumulates to anger and it really has more to do with the nice guy than his partner. What I mean by this is that the nice guy has not expressed his needs, has not communicated his feelings if something does not feel right, or set boundaries for himself to make it clear what is OK and what is not OK for him.

Last week I went over how giving too much of a shit can lead to chronic rejection, pain, and lack of success dating (click here). Today I am addressing how the aspect of caring too much that nice guys have a tendency to do can hurt your relationship. I want to share a personal example to point out how nice guys can appropriately assert their needs without having to do the complete opposite and be a total asshole.

When it comes to women, single men are very preoccupied with not being put in the friend zone. I often get the question "Do you think that means I've been put in the friend zone?" or the exasperated statement "I think she has me in the friend zone." The implication is that this is a completely passive experience and that even if the man is in the friend zone that he has to stay there and tolerate it.

Two areas where men can get stuck in over-attachment that leads to trouble getting into a relationship: one-itis and getting over an ex.

As I've stated before a large part of our energy goes into seeking pleasure and avoiding pain (click here). There is a certain utility in this, but the problem that arises from this is that we can start to invest so much in avoiding painful experiences that we close ourselves off to an important motivator to make the changes we need to make in our lives. I'm going to propose a new perspective of break ups and point out two distinct benefits of what we otherwise tend to see as a solely negative experience.

Next Tele-Seminar Today, Monday 12/30 at 12pm

Just a quick reminder about tomorrow's Tele-Seminar on Handling Imbalance in Your Relationship: Monday 12/30 at 12pm ET. I am very excited to announce that Steve Schloss will be my official guest. His book, The Man's Secret to a Happy and Sexy Marriage delves deeply into this topic, and has a lot of practical advice about what men can do when their relationship has become unhappy to help turn the tide. We will go over signs to look for that indicate when men may be unhappy in their relationship, the impact this has on men, and what you can do if this is happening to you. 

At the beginning of this months blog theme on on rejection I stated that rejection is something that never stops, even in long term relationships and marriage. It's vital for men to understand the importance of this both in finding and keeping a great relationship. Rejection in a relationship can be a good thing. I will explain this idea below.

The most common reason for anxiety that I encounter from men is around rejection.

Owning your masculinity likely does not mean what you think I am implying here. It is not the stereotypical "be tough" macho man kind of call to action. For some men this might be their natural masculine expression. When I use the term Masculine Expression I mean feeling comfortable with yourself and not allowing yourself to be swayed by others to change who and how you are and taking a more active role in expressing this to others, whatever it is. It's not about being dominant so much as it is about feeling comfortable with your interests, your personality, your desires as well as holding your own boundaries and being assertive when the situation calls for it.