_{Rick Belden}

Recently I had a very inspiring Twitter chat with Rick Belden, a true thought leader in the field of masculine psychology and men’s issues. I have the utmost respect for his work, and his blog is a source of energy and inspiration for me when I am feeling beleaguered by the ups and downs of trying to promote the message about the importance of men’s issues and influence the evolution of our concept of what it means to be a man.

Men are hardwired to be attracted by physical traits. This is not the only path to attraction for men, but it is usually the first and more immediate one. It is like a reflex we cannot control. What guy has not been chided by their partner for looking when they shouldn't be? I am not promoting men to keep getting themselves in trouble here, but just pointing out the intensity of our biology which pushes us to do things we know can get us in hot water. It is so automatic sometimes we are not even aware it is happening.

 First off, the fact I am not in my professional garb in this video is relevant. This is me wearing what makes me comfortable and happy. That is part of the message I want to convey to men here (comfortable, happy men tend to be better partners). 

To start with the Nature of Man topic for this month, I am opening up more of a question about man's nature rather than a definitive statement. This has to do with the stereotypical role of men as providers. Men struggle with this, often not feeling like they are matching up to the provider they think they should be, the provider their loved ones want, or both.

"Respect" toward women has been a predominant theme in the media lately. This is a worthy message all men should heed. But, like I alluded to last week, some men get wrapped up in the message and become confused after acting in accordance with the message. Some men who are my readers and come to my practice hear this message of "Respect" loud and clear, practice it diligently, but then see something very different play out in real life. This recent message of respect called for from women has been mostly in reaction to Robin Thicke's song 'Blurred Lines,' and his performance at the VMA's with Miley Cyrus. I am not going to get into the song or controversy here, but only want to highlight a piece of the narrative that is out there that is confusing for men.

I've gone over a lot of ground with expectations over the past few weeks. Inevitably, there have been points I've missed, so thank you to those who commented to add to the discussion.

To review, basically, any ideas you have about your relationship or your partner that even begin to resemble 'All or Nothing' is a good sign that you are bringing unrealistic expectations into the relationship. Some examples include (and this is by no means exhaustive):

If you or the woman you're with starts to behave differently once the relationship has deepened, you can bet that it is due to a change in expectations. This is a dubious endeavor if it is different to how you'd treat a person your dating compared to how you'd treat her if she were your girlfriend or your wife, and even applies to a change in how you behave from the first ever encounter to the first phone call. So, why would the label on your specific relation mean changing the way you act or how you are with another person?

Lately I've been writing extensively about the reasons and ways men change from before entering a relationship to being in the relationship. Whether or not you fall into this trap ultimately boils down to your belief about what it means being in a relationship.

Another common complaint I hear from men is that they cannot tell if the women they're interested in like them or not. The insinuation is usually either that women are difficult because they are not more direct. If this is something that rings true to you, consider that the problem may be you and not them.