Welcome to the first blog post for my new Men’s Series. The focus of this series will be to help men better understand female psychology so that they can experience more success in meeting women, dating, building attraction, as well as developing a healthy and meaningful long-term relationships with the woman of their dreams. I also specialize in helping men post-divorce to pick themselves up and roll through the aforementioned gamut. Though I’ll focus on some areas of female psychology, don’t get me wrong, it is not about the woman here. From my experience, men need to understand some basics of female psychology in order to develop and bring out those parts of their being that will help them have success in their romantic lives. I will also address the mental and emotional blocks that many men encounter when trying to reach the success they long for.

In approaching this topic many people differentiate meeting and dating a woman from being in a serious relationship. This is a huge mistake, and in my opinion one reason why so many relationships and marriages meet precipitous and premature endings (many being avoidable, I might add). People are so busy seeking out a relationship so they can finally just be “comfortable.” In doing so, they lose track of what it was that led the relationship to come to be in the first place: attraction. The key ingredient to the success of any romantic relationship, and one most couples therapists completely miss the boat on, is maintaining attraction.

If there was one trait we could pin down that a man should have in order to be attractive to women, it would beconfidence. Men, however, mess it up time and time again by thinking that they have to be confident with regard to what they believe a woman wants them to be. For example, one might think he has to be confident about being good looking, and then feels he cannot be confident because he is not traditionally good looking. IT IS NOT ABOUT BEING ONE WAY OR THE OTHER, it is about being yourself! You must embrace self-acceptance and be comfortable with yourself! The key word is Self-Acceptance. Just remember the story of Jack Nicholson. When he was first starting out he was told that he was not good looking enough to make it in Hollywood. Yet women swoon over him, but I can assure you that it is not because of his good looks.

Men become too attached to a specific thought about the way they are supposed to be in order to be attractive to a woman, and grow into self-limiting beliefs. Men will think they need to have a lot of money, be great looking, be as debonair as George Clooney, be tall... the list can go on and on. Men get all worked up about things they have little to no control over and end up putting more pressure on themselves to meet impossible standards than Steve Jobs puts on an Apple Engineer. You are not trying to become a corporate success, but trying to hone the personal, social, and romantic parts of your life. Success in these domains requires a different tact. When you pollute yourself with this sort of toxic self-talk you are only destroying your emotional presence and driving yourself further down a road that goes nowhere. If you are trying to be something or someone you are not, women will know and reject this. They are not rejecting you, per se, but rejecting the incongruence they are sensing between who you actually are and the image you are trying to portray. 

The fact is that women cannot stand a man who is not comfortable with himself. Can you blame her? How do you feel about a woman who is not comfortable with herself? Who is insecure? Clingy? Needing validation? Asking you constantly if she looks fat? My best guess is that you’d feel majorly annoyed, and that you’ve probably encountered this numerous times and know EXACTLY what I’m talking about. Men may not do this as overtly as women, but men do seek validation from a woman to accept themselves as attractive, rather than truly accepting themselves regardless of whether a particular woman thinks of them as attractive or not.