Negativity is common for those of us who have had a difficult life or even a series of recent bad experiences. Even if you aren’t predisposed to negative thinking it is difficult to resist negativity under the forces of hardship or social pressure. 

Negative thinking often leads nice guys to end up feeling like they are a victim, and taking on that role in their mind. It is not uncommon to resort to fantasies of being led by somebody else to get what they want, sometimes even rescued. This could involve looking up to a charismatic leader to give you the answers, subscribing to the belief system of a group to feel like you’re a part of the herd, or absorbing yourself in following a sports team feeling good when they win and bad when they lose… the list can go on. All of this serves to distract you from being reflective about yourself, your goals, and understanding where you are at in comparison to where you want to be in life. Fantasies such as this provide a feeling of safety, but ultimately lead us to stagnation on the path to living up to our personal power. 

Looking to be rescued can involve getting caught up in the physical beauty of a woman, believing that being with her has the power to lead you to your full potential (read more here). Unlike what is often mistaken for male entitlement, this does not involve a man demanding sexual attention from a woman. These men have little to no sense of entitlement at all. Some nice guys barely think they have a right to their own opinion! This involves men who look to a woman’s attention to feel good about themselves. Without the validation from a woman the nice guy’s self-esteem is deflated. To avoid this they withdraw into their shyness and won’t dare to risk letting a woman know they are interested romantically. The thought they may be rejected is too painful. They are more likely the guys who continue to be friends with the woman while really wishing they were dating her.

Nice guys often want to be recognized as special by a woman. They often do so by keeping their romantic feelings secret, thinking this qualifies them as above the common man. They believe their respectful behavior should differentiate them from all those other regular guys because they “respect” women. This even continues once in relationship. Nice guys strive to protect their partner’s chastity, sometimes believing sharing what they want sexually may be emotionally harmful to their partner. These nice guys are prone to take the rescuer role (the shift from victim to rescuer is very common). The problem with this is that it is another way men do not allow women their own integrity and personal responsibility to decide for themselves what they like and don’t like. This may sound counterintuitive to describe someone rescuing as pathological. Remember, a rescuer is taking the action to rescue for his own ego without being aware of whether the person wants or does not want their help.

A man being honest about what he wants is respectful, as long as he is not imposing it on her. It may sound counterintuitive to a nice guy, but it allows the woman to be empowered to say what she wants or doesn’t want. Silently taking on the rescuer role is actually dishonest and is not respectful because it leaves the woman out of the know and not able to have fully informed consent in the relationship. Full disclosure about where you stand is empowering for you, and it can also be what is most empowering for the woman you’re interested in as well. 

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If you’re a Nice Guy who is tired of not getting the girl, or feel like you keep getting the short end of the stick in relationships, I will be running an in-person and online group called Self Respect for Nice Guys. I’m here to coach you how to use your authentic personality to your advantage to get the type of attraction you want and find a happy, healthy relationship or turn the tide in one that is not making you happy. No more getting walked all over by women, no more seeing only other guys get the girl. It’s your turn now… It’s time to for you to be happy in your relationships too! This is for motivated men who are willing to take the next step, but need some direction. If you want to sign up for this group, do so here: www.selfrespectforniceguys.com. This is more than the regular email list. This group is for men who are ready to be active in the next step in their personal transformation. 

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