How 'Not Giving a Sh*t' Can Help Nice Guys Get the Date
Nice Guys care a lot. They care too much, or act like they do. This supports a core belief Nice Guys have about themselves. That they are good and do the right thing. Nice Guys avoid conflict thinking this will make others happy, refrain from expressing their needs and wishes thinking it will be an incovenience for others... But beneath the appearance denying conflict when there is conflict is dishonest, and so is hiding needs and wishes when they actually exist. This makes intimacy impossible to develop because the other person is never truly getting to know who you are. This is a problem when dating or trying to get a date because this phase of relating on a romantic level involves tension and conflict. Tension and conflict are inherent in the back and forth dance of getting to know somebody.
When a woman first meets or is just getting to know a man she will test you to get a quick read on whether you are being honest and really are who you say you are. Women test us throughout our relationship as well, challenging us to maintain our integrity. I have maintained that this is a good thing (read more here). This is normal, but happens more so in situations where there is a lack of trust, whether it be through times we have acted in ways that contradict our integrity, or whether there is anxiety or general trust issues on her part. For this blog I am going to focus on the first step toward establishing a relationship, initially meeting whether for the first time, online, or the first date (and then cover in relationship in subsequent posts).
These tests can come through a range from slightly anxiety provoking to totally brutal. Some women can be eviscerating even from simply introducing yourself by reacting "What the fuck is your problem?" It can feel like the harshest of rejections, and if your self-esteem is not intact you may have experienced intense embarrassment, fear, or an experience of dejection that feels as if you are crumpling like a leaf.
The best way to deal with this is to not give a shit about what she thinks. Get yourself to the point that you don't give a shit whether she rejects you or not. This does not mean have no emotion, but only not to give the weight of her opinion or her emotion on how you feel about yourself. Simply state in a cool, friendly, normal way that you just came to say Hi. Or use your emotions and in joking way tell her that she is breaking your heart. Not giving a shit sounds harsh, but this is important because most men, especially Nice Guys, go out of their way to try to please women and give them everything they want (in this situation running away very quickly), try to qualify themselves, go out of their way to impress her, and even try to kiss her ass thinking this is what is going to lead to attraction.
Women smell this from a mile away and believe one of two things: either you are lying to her to get in her pants or that you are a man with no identity of their own and she will not respect you. Remember, she wants to get to know you and she does not care as much about all the things you can do for her (unless she is the totally wrong person you really do not want to be meeting). Men who do this give their power over to a woman, who doesn't know them at all, to determine how they feel about themselves. This is what leads to the intense embarrassment, fear, and dejection.
I'm speaking in a much stronger tone than usual to emphasize the level of the compensation in the change in mindset Nice Guys need to make in this department. Nice Guys fall back into people pleasing, appeasing, and supplication patterns very easily. I want the Nice Guys to wake up out of this auto-pilot slumber and internalize something different. It is the source of continued rejection for Nice Guys and in addition to risking continued rejection you also risk being taken advantage of by the women you happen to be dating (or think you are dating when they have something else in mind). I also know a Nice Guy who doesn't give a shit is not going to ever totally not give a shit. He will never be an asshole or player at heart, and will never fully take on those personas. But a dose of these personas can go a long way for a Nice Guy to set boundaries for himself, hold that boundary, and break the connection you have made between feeling good and being accepted. If everything you do is to feel good by being accepted, you will not set boundaries, hold boundaries, express your needs, or be assertive about your perspective when the situation calls for it.
Setting boundaries and being assertive involves introducing some masculine tone, which in a lot of today's social conditioning has been labeled as not acceptable. This has contributed to a decline in men's health issues in many ways and is toxic for men to eradicate masculinity from their personal expression. Rick Belden, a colleague I look up to and respect greatly, wrote a great article asking the question "What is Healthy Masculinity?" In his post he makes a great comment: "A man’s relationship to his own power is a critical element of a mature, healthy masculinity, and that relationship can be a tricky and difficult one for some men. The primal aspect of male power can be very intimidating, especially for men who spent their boyhoods with men who abused or avoided their own power. But true manhood is not possible without acceptance, application, and mastery of one’s own power, in whatever forms are unique and appropriate for the individual." This is essentially what I have been promoting with my concept of Masculine Expression. Masculine Expression is self-defined and that self-definition embodies how you set boundaries, assert your needs, and express yourself. These are aspects of your unique personality and make up your identity.
If you're a Nice Guy who is tired of not getting the girl, or feel like you keep getting the short end of the stick in relationships, I will be running an in-person and online group called Self Respect for Nice Guys. I'm here to coach you how to use your authentic personality to your advantage to get the type of attraction you want and find a happy, healthy relationship or turn the tide in one that is not making you happy. No more getting walked all over by women, no more seeing only other guys get the girl. It's your turn now... It's time to make it happen! This is for motivated men who are willing to take the next step, but need some direction. If you want to sign up for this group, do so here: www.selfrespectforniceguys.com. This is more than the regular email list. This group is for men who are ready to be active in the next step in their personal transformation.
Make sure to reserve your spot in the group! Availability is limited... www.selfrespectforniceguys.com
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