Introduction to In Tune with Your Emotions

Dan Bolton



This is the point where most men come up against a friction point in this work and back out. Many men avoid their emotions, or even make fun of them, yet complain that they are not where they want to be in their life or spend their time complaining about women and how they just don't understand them. Personally, I’ve never been able to sit around a poker table surrounded by men, commiserating about women. I enjoy the company of women way too much to focus my energy on this and would rather spend my time uncovering the mystique of the feminine than being angry at what I do not understand. I’m not saying that there is no place for poker night or venting, but if you spend a lot of time complaining about the opposite sex it tells me two things: (1) You really badly want to connect with the opposite sex and aren’t, and (2) You don’t know how to connect with the opposite sex and are stewing in frustration about it. Blaming the opposite sex betrays a certain anger, or hang-up, one has about past hurts. Being stuck in the anger is blinding you from your real emotions, and gets in the way of you being at peace with yourself (for more information please see my first post in this series: If you haven’t addressed your real emotions around women, you are going to be hung up on your hang-ups, unable to move on because your emotions are holding power over you. 


Why is emotional fitness important for ALL men and not just for 'wussies'? Emotions are important because this is the connection point between men and women. If, as a man, you are not able to get a woman to feel emotional about you, you are not going to get beyond the ominous ‘Friend Zone’. Emotions are important because they are the vehicle for attraction in women, whether you want them to be or whether it makes sense to you or not. Emotional fitness is important because your emotions affect how you think and what you believe about yourself. How you think of and feel about yourself affects your confidence level and whether you are going to be able to influence a woman to feel emotional about you. If you don't have your emotions right, your mind won't be right. If your mind and emotions are not right, you will not feel right, and women will pick up on this. They will sense the incongruence between what you are saying about who you are and what you really feel about yourself. Women are intuitive creatures and it is obvious to a woman when your words are not in alignment with your emotions (for more information check out last week’s post: Once they sense this incongruence they will be on guard. When a woman is on guard she will not be open and receptive to being intimate with you nor will they be receptive to your advances... In other words, “No soup for you!”


There is a phenomenon called the Pygmalion effect. It has been studied extensively in both corporate and educational settings, and has demonstrated conclusively that people live up to the expectations that have been established about them. Once an expectation is set, even if it isn’t accurate, we tend to act in ways that are consistent with that expectation. Basically, what you expect is going to happen will happen. If you expect to fail you are going to fail. If you expect to be rejected by the woman you approach or ask on a date, she is going to sense that you feel that you are not good enough for her and she will follow suit, mirror your emotions, and reject you. 


If you’re not aware of your emotions you are not going to be aware of these signals you are giving off to the woman you are talking to... and I can guarantee you the signals you are emitting are much more than the words you speak. Your emotions come out in nuanced cues observable in your body language, and can show whether you are expecting failure versus assuming success. If any fiber of your being is expecting failure this will be observable in your body language. If you are not at peace with yourself, this will be observable in your body language. Non-Verbal Communication in interaction is an expression of internal state, conveyed by the rhythms you use to direct the energy of an interaction.


For this week I’ll leave you with a personal story that shows the detriment a lack of awareness of your emotions can bring in your dating and relationship life. About 12 years ago, I was flirting with a woman I worked with and was really into her. I put on an air of confidence around her and it was working... that is, until I could not hide my real emotion of nervousness. I had asked her on a date to come to a party with me. I was working it, being confident and funny... Then she said ‘Yes.’ Woah! I wasn’t prepared for that, and I got nervous. If I had a good hold of my emotions I would have been able to talk myself through the discomfort and not act on it. Instead, I let my feelings bleed into action and I started to explain that it was possible that the party might not be that much fun, since I did not know the people throwing the party, and had no idea of what to expect. As fast as I could say “Doh!” the tenor of the conversation did a 180 and she went from being excited about coming to the party with me to telling me she could not make it. She was mirroring my emotions and basically took my lead. In essence she did not reject me, I rejected myself, and she just went with it. Women are going to go along with how you feel about yourself. Your emotions are important, and can undermine you if you ignore them. Be aware of your emotions so they don’t hold power over you.