Chodes and Wussies: Are You One of Those Guys?
Last week I outlined some reasons men hold onto the belief that they are good with women even when even when they are not getting dates, not getting second dates consistently, or their relationships are not working out (read more here). For most men their self-worth depends on this belief because otherwise they fear they would face shame in the eyes of other men and, they believe, women as well. The greatest fear of many men is that a woman would believe this about them. The reverse is actually true. If a man can be honest with a woman that he is nervous, is not experienced, is having trouble communicating his emotions, feels hurt, does not know what to do, or even that he has not kissed a woman yet this can often lead to deepening the interaction or intimacy with her rather than having her shame you.
Men respond strongly and will do anything to avoid the threat of shame. This is apparent in some pick up artist programs- when men are not good with women they are 'chodes' or 'wussies' to reference two specific programs. To avoid taking on such a label is a strong shame based motivator for men. It is often effective because men really, REALLY don't want to be a 'chode' or a 'wussy,' so they go out of their way to give off the impression that they are Rico Suave.
This is unfortunate because it is the men who are not good who try to act like they are that annoys women and leads to the embarrassing blow offs in reaction to inauthentic posturing. If you feel a strong sense of shame remember, it is simply an emotion. It involves worrying about what other people think. Stop caring so much about what other people think!!! If you are experiencing a lot of anger around rejection, there is a good chance the anger you're feeling is secondary, because anger is easier and more socially acceptable to feel for men than shame or embarrassment.
The truth is that most men will not admit that we have had women troubles, but the fact is that we have all struggled in our relationships with women at different times in our lives. Even when there are times that have been good, there are also likely going to be times in our lives when we may struggle with our relationships. It is OK. It's called life. There is no shame in having trouble relating to women. Some people may try to make you feel this way, but that is only to cover up their own shame to make them feel better about themselves at your expense. It is something people with low self-esteem do.
If this topic interests you please join me for the Tele-Seminar Tuesday February 25th at 10:30am. I will be joined by Guest Aaron Anderson. Aaron is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, owner of The Marriage and Family Clinic in Denver, CO, and runs the Relationship Rx blog. If you haven't already, reserve your spot by signing up here!
If you're a Nice Guy who is tired of not getting the girl, or feel like you keep getting the short end of the stick in relationships, I will be running an in-person and online group called Self Respect for Nice Guys. I'm here to coach you how to use your authentic personality to your advantage to get the type of attraction you want and find a happy, healthy relationship or turn the tide in one that is not making you happy. No more getting walked all over by women, no more seeing only other guys get the girl. It's your turn now... It's time to make it happen! This is for motivated men who are willing to take the next step, but need some direction. If you want to sign up for this group, do so here: www.selfrespectforniceguys.com. This is more than the regular email list. This group is for men who are ready to be active in the next step in their personal transformation.
Make sure to reserve your spot in the group! Availability is limited... www.selfrespectforniceguys.com